Healing from Trauma: Asking the Hard Questions

*Trigger warning: mentions of general abuse*

Trauma is something many of us carry with us, often without realizing it. It shapes how we see ourselves, how we connect with others, and how we interact with the world around us. But sometimes, healing starts with something as simple—and as hard—as asking the right questions. In this post, I’ll share a personal experience and offer some tips that can help you start asking those tough questions in your own life.

About four years ago, my sister, Codi, came over to help with the kids and then yap with me after bedtime (our favorite activity). At the time, the boys were still extra little and keeping me on my toes, so it was a rare treat to have her there just to be with me. My sister and I talk about everything, from the everyday stuff to our biggest fears and dreams. So, naturally, we can talk for hours.

On this particular night, after the kids were finally asleep, we found ourselves sitting on the porch, just soaking in the cool, quiet air. What started as a simple conversation about life turned into something deeper, something we’d never really addressed before: trauma. Specifically, the trauma caused by abuse from a relative (this person is not in my immediate family-for clarity). It was this huge, unspeakable thing that we had both buried for years, just pretending it didn’t exist because, well, that’s what we were told to do.

But that night? Something shifted. For the first time, we didn’t feel like we had to pretend anymore. We started asking ourselves some tough questions, ones we’d both avoided for so long. How did this experience shape us? How did it change the way we view ourselves, our relationships, even with each other?

And the answers that came weren’t easy to hear. For me, the realization was gut-wrenching. The trauma wasn’t just something in the past—it was still with me, lingering in the present. It had affected how I trusted people, how I connected with others, and, honestly, how I generally showed up in my life. I’d carried so much anger, fear, and emotional distance around with me for years, and I hadn’t even fully realized it. Our nerves were so shot that Codi and I smoked an entire pack of cigarettes (we have both since quit smoking ☺). That moment on the porch, with my sister by my side, was the start of me questioning everything I’d been taught to believe about family, love, and healing.

I think the hardest question I asked myself that night was: What would my life look like if I stopped letting this trauma define me?

It was a scary question to ask. After all, what would it mean to confront it head-on? To speak up about it? To face the uncomfortable truth that I was still holding onto it, even if I hadn’t fully admitted it? But I knew that if I didn’t ask myself this, if I didn’t face the weight of it all, I would never heal. And that’s when I made the decision to do something I never thought I could do: confront my parents and finally start healing from the inside out.

Of course, it wasn’t easy. The conversation with my parents was brutal, but the moment with my grandmother—who had always been the heart of our family—was even harder. Codi and I expressed that we were setting a hard boundary: we no longer wanted to see the relative that hurt us. I expected comfort, understanding, something. But instead, I was told that I was wrong, that I was tearing the family apart. I remember her saying, “A good Christian would forgive. How long has it been? You aren’t over it by now?” And in that moment, I realized that I wasn’t the obedient little girl who kept the peace at all costs anymore. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I couldn’t live a lie.

It was painful, but something changed inside me. For the first time, I wasn’t just protecting everyone else. I was finally standing up for myself. And though I was crushed by the way things went down, I also started to feel a spark of something. A power I had buried deep down. A power that had always been there but had been suppressed for so long. And that spark? It began to grow. It was mine, and it was real.

Asking that question—What would my life look like if I stopped letting this trauma define me?—opened up a whole new world for me. I started to understand that asking the tough questions, the ones that make us uncomfortable or scared, is exactly what we need to do to move forward. It’s not always easy. The answers may not come right away, and they might even hurt. But without them, we stay stuck. We stay in denial. We stay trapped in old stories that no longer serve us.

Sometimes, asking the hard questions is the only way to break free. It’s the only way to heal. I know it’s not easy, but I’m here to remind you that you’re not alone. Let’s unravel together. Ask yourself the hard questions. Let those questions guide you toward the healing you deserve.

Tips for Pinpointing the Questions You Need to Ask

Starting to ask the hard questions isn’t always easy, especially when you’ve spent years avoiding them. But you don’t have to have all the answers right away. The important part is simply beginning. Here are a few tips to help you pinpoint the questions that might be calling out to you, even if they feel intimidating at first:

1. Pay Attention to the Pain
   Our emotions often signal where healing is needed. If there’s a certain situation or person that consistently triggers a strong emotional reaction—whether it’s anger, sadness, fear, or confusion, there’s likely an underlying question waiting to be asked. Ask yourself: Why does this situation make me feel this way? Dig into the root cause of the emotion. Is it tied to something from the past? A belief you’ve been holding onto? Or is it something you feel you’ve never addressed?
   
2. Notice Where You Feel Stuck
   Think about the areas in your life where you feel stuck or stagnant. It could be your career, a relationship, or even your relationship with yourself. If you find yourself asking, Why can’t I move forward? or Why do I keep repeating the same patterns?, those are signs that you might need to ask a deeper question. For example, What fear or belief is holding me back? or What am I avoiding by staying in this place?
   
3. Observe Your Self-Talk
   How do you speak to yourself? Are there recurring negative thoughts or limiting beliefs that you tell yourself on a loop? Questions like Why do I feel like I’m not enough? or Why do I always doubt myself? can reveal deep insights into the stories you’ve been carrying. Start with small questions to shift those patterns—What would happen if I believed I was worthy? or How would I show up differently if I trusted myself?
   
4. Reflect on Your Relationships
   Relationships are mirrors for our own inner worlds. If you notice patterns in your relationships—whether it’s feeling abandoned, misunderstood, or constantly compromising—ask yourself: What role do I play in these dynamics? How have my past experiences shaped the way I relate to others? These questions can help you identify underlying beliefs or behaviors that need to be healed in order to move forward in healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
   
5. Start with “What If?”
   Sometimes, a “What if?” question can unlock new perspectives. These questions are powerful because they challenge the status quo and open up possibilities for growth. For example, What if I let myself feel what I’m truly feeling? or What if I made choices based on what I truly want, not what I think I should want? These types of questions can be scary, but they encourage exploration and self-discovery.
   
6. Look for Patterns
   Do you notice certain patterns in your life, like repeatedly attracting the same kind of relationships, facing the same type of challenges, or feeling the same emotional responses in different situations? These patterns often hint at deeper questions like: What beliefs am I holding that keep attracting these situations? or Why do I keep sabotaging my own success? Identifying patterns can help reveal questions you need to explore to break free from them.
   
7. Ask Yourself What You’re Avoiding
   We often avoid the things we fear the most. Is there something in your life you’ve been sweeping under the rug or pretending doesn’t bother you? Maybe it’s an old wound, an unspoken truth, or a difficult conversation you’ve been putting off. The questions you’ve been avoiding can be the key to unlocking the next step in your healing journey. Ask yourself: What am I avoiding by not addressing this? or What’s the worst that could happen if I face this truth?
   
8. Check In With Your Body
   Our bodies can often hold answers before our minds can fully process them. If you find yourself with unexplained aches, fatigue, or tension, those physical symptoms may point to unresolved emotions or experiences. Take a moment to ask: Where am I holding onto pain in my body? or What might this discomfort be trying to tell me? Your body holds wisdom that can guide you to the questions you need to ask for healing.

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Be Gentle With Yourself

Remember, asking difficult questions isn’t about rushing to find answers. It’s about creating space to explore and reflect. Take it one question at a time, and be patient with yourself. It’s okay if you don’t have the answers immediately—sometimes, just asking the question is enough to begin the healing process.

Trust that you already have the wisdom inside you to start uncovering what needs to be healed. The more you ask, the more you’ll discover, and the clearer your path will become.

With love and light,
Jessica

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Let’s Talk

I’d love to hear from you. What questions have you been avoiding? What parts of your life do you feel stuck in because you’re afraid to ask the tough questions? Maybe it’s about your past, your relationships, or even about yourself. Feel free to drop a comment below, or reach out to me directly. I’m here to listen, support, and walk this path with you.