Healing has changed the way I experience the holiday season, mainly because the holidays I grew up with no longer exist. The memories I do have, like decorating the tree with country Christmas albums playing (shout out to Travis Tritt), helping my mom make spritz cookies, and Christmas Day at my grandma’s, are all from when I was really little. I don’t remember much from that time, just bits and pieces, and most of those old traditions have faded.
These days, nothing really “happens” unless my sisters and I plan a family get-together. So instead of trying to hold onto something that isn’t there anymore, I’ve been figuring out what actually feels good now. And honestly, creating that Christmas magic in my own house, with my kids and my husband, brings back a kind of nostalgia for something I’m not even sure I ever really had. But it gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling you want to feel at Christmas, and that’s what I hold onto.
It’s weird because, for a while, even the best traditions (like driving around to look at Christmas lights) felt forced. Like, I knew it used to get me in the spirit, and I loved doing it as a kid. But that’s WHY I did it… to feel something. I wasn’t really enjoying it; I was just waiting for it to make me happy. If that makes sense.
I realize now that I was so lost during that time. It was when I was struggling to figure out who I was as a mother, a wife, or even as a person. I was clinging to these old traditions as a way to remember who I thought I was. But the more I pushed, the more confused I felt.
Another struggle I faced was having unrealistic expectations for the people around me. I expected some magical moments created and served up on a silver platter. That just wasn’t realistic. I’d watch movies and hear others’ stories about going home for Christmas. How their parents would decorate the house from head to toe, make a feast, get everyone matching PJs, give them the most thoughtful gifts, and make hot cocoa to walk around the neighborhood looking at the lights. Maybe this is over the top. I honestly don’t know.
Everyone has different traditions for the holiday season, and I understood that. But it felt like we didn’t have any. And to me, that felt like no one cared. I felt like I was trying not only to force the nostalgia on myself, but also on my parents.
It’s like I had to give up on the expectations of having the “Christmas feelings.” I had to start making these traditions fun and exciting for my kids. Even if I couldn’t, I wanted them to feel the Christmas magic, so I had to make it happen. And that’s when the warm, fuzzies came back for me, too. It seems so simple now, but it definitely didn’t feel that way 5 years ago.
Josh and I have started our own traditions with the kids. We go cut down a Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving (only because that’s when the tree farms open – I definitely wish it were earlier). We spend a whole day making Christmas candy. We snuggle up and watch Christmas movies every week. We even go driving around to look at lights. And now, I feel it again, and it feels so good.
I didn’t even notice how different I had been feeling until Thanksgiving. We planned to celebrate with my family over the weekend, so on Thanksgiving Day, we didn’t have plans. I was kind of dreading it. I tried thinking of something we could still do to celebrate, to make it feel like a holiday. (This is a good reminder of how cycles loop back through our brains until we truly heal those pieces of ourselves.)
That morning, we woke up and turned on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. I never watched this as a kid, but Josh always did, and I love that we’ve incorporated that tradition. Then, we had a small lunch, Josh left to go hunting, and I spent about 5 hours deep cleaning the house since we were hosting dinner that weekend. I was actually enjoying cleaning and listening to music, but I was still trying to find a way to make the night magical.
I had to stop researching what restaurants were open and ask myself what I would actually enjoy… What would the kids want? What would be fun for our family to do together? Then it hit me. When Josh got home, we loaded up in the truck, went to the gas station to grab a bunch of snacks, and spent the next hour driving around and looking at Christmas lights.
In the very first neighborhood we hit, I realized it felt so magical. The Christmas nostalgia was back and better than ever. I realized that all this time, I’d been trying to enjoy these moments instead of making them magical; I had slowly been healing. I was quite literally finding that magic again because I stopped chasing it.
I’ve realized that the magic isn’t in the lights, the cookies, or any perfect plan; it’s in the little moments we create. And that’s something anyone can experience, whether you’re sharing it with family and friends or just embracing it for yourself.
What little moments bring you that warm, fuzzy holiday feeling? Or what traditions do you think it might be time to let go of? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
With love & light,
Jessica ♡
Unraveling the Self 
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