I think about how I was raised a lot, quiet, reserved, and taught to keep my desires to myself. As a child, I never asked for anything, emotionally or physically. It wasn’t even on my radar as an option. I saw my sister constantly in trouble for speaking up or questioning things, and I internalized the idea that silence was safer. I learned early on that being quiet meant avoiding conflict, avoiding attention, and avoiding any chance of being labeled as a problem. I adapted by becoming the “good” child, the one who followed the rules and kept their thoughts to themselves, even if it meant burying my own needs.
That silence followed me into adulthood. I carried it with me in every relationship, every friendship, every interaction. I was frustrated by not getting what I wanted, but I never understood why. It wasn’t because I didn’t deserve it—it was because I never asked. I convinced myself that if I spoke up, no one would listen, that my desires didn’t matter enough to be voiced. So, I stayed silent, letting resentment slowly build up inside me. I thought I was protecting myself, but in reality, I was suffocating my own voice.
It wasn’t until my husband, Josh, came into the picture that I began to see how deeply this pattern had affected me. In the early days of our relationship, he would ask me what I wanted, what I was thinking, and how I felt about things. But I didn’t realize how much he was actually wondering what I needed emotionally. He never told me until much later, as I was healing, that he spent a lot of time wondering what I was thinking, or if I loved him. And every single time he asked, I felt a knot in my stomach. I wanted him to just know. I wanted him to read my mind, to understand my needs without me having to speak them aloud. I wanted him to know me so well that my silence wouldn’t matter. But that’s not how relationships work, is it?
The truth was, I hadn’t been taught how to communicate. I had never been shown what it looked like to ask for what I needed without fear of rejection or dismissal. And Josh’s questions, though filled with love and curiosity, felt like a challenge. Why couldn’t he just know? Why did I have to say it?
But Josh didn’t give up. He kept asking, gently, persistently. “What do you want? What are you thinking?” Over time, I began to realize that his questions weren’t about him needing to know—they were about me learning to express myself. He wasn’t asking because he didn’t care; he was asking because he did. He wanted to understand me, and that was a foreign concept to me at the time.
One day, I finally got the courage to ask for something. It wasn’t easy—I was a ball of nerves, my hands shaking as I tried to find the right words. But when I finally said, “I think we need to work on how we communicate.” Josh didn’t react the way I feared. He didn’t get defensive or dismissive. Instead, he was incredibly receptive. He listened, and together we created a plan to address what I needed. That simple, supportive response, in that moment, was life-changing. It felt like the first time in my life I had been truly heard.
In that moment, I realized something profound: asking for what I wanted wasn’t just about getting my needs met. It was about trusting myself enough to believe that my voice mattered. It was about trusting Josh enough to know that he would hear me, that he would accept me without judgment. And in turn, it taught me to trust others in my life more deeply, too.
Wow, that was a lot.
Let’s pause and look at this throwback to Josh and I’s wedding. Honestly, we look like literal children. How was this 10 years ago?
Side note: This version of me would be proud, and probably even more shocked than 10-year-old me, to see where we are today.
If you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt like your voice didn’t matter, like you were invisible or unheard, I see you. I understand that fear of speaking up, of asking for what you deserve, and the emotional weight that silence carries. It’s not easy to break free from that mindset. It takes time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion. But I want you to know that your voice does matter. You are worthy of being heard, and you deserve to have your needs acknowledged, whether that’s in your relationships, your career, or your life in general.
Just like I did, you might be holding onto the belief that speaking up won’t make a difference, that your desires aren’t important enough to be voiced. But I promise you, the moment you begin to trust yourself and ask for what you want, everything starts to shift. No, it won’t always be easy, and no, it won’t always be comfortable. But little by little, you’ll start to see that your voice is powerful. And when you begin to ask, you’ll open the door to connection, to understanding, and to the love and respect you deserve.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you struggled with asking for what you want in your own life? How did you begin to break free from that silence? Share your story in the comments, or feel free to reach out—you’re not alone on this journey. Let’s open up the conversation, and together we can empower one another to find our voices.
With love & light,
Jessica ♡
Unraveling the Self 
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