I used to be incredibly judgmental. I picked people apart for how they acted, what they wore, how they looked, and even how they made me feel. And honestly? It got worse as I got older. By my 20s, I was in a safer, more stable place in life, but my mind was still sharp with criticism. Gossip wasn’t just something I did—it was how I bonded with people. It was comfortable, familiar, and, if I’m being honest, it made me feel superior in a way.
Then Josh started pointing it out. Not in an aggressive or judgmental way, just small comments here and there, little observations about how quick I was to criticize others.
At first, I shrugged off Josh’s comments. “I’m not that judgmental,” I told myself. It was just how people talked. Everyone did it. It wasn’t mean, it was normal. But late at night, when there was no one else to pick apart, I turned that same judgment inward.
And when it came to myself, I didn’t just criticize—I destroyed.
Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw flaws. My body was wrong, my face was wrong, my clothes never fit the way I wanted them to. I’d compare myself to other women and feel like I had fallen hopelessly short. If I walked into a room and felt out of place, the voice in my head didn’t just whisper, it screamed. Of course you don’t fit in. Of course you don’t belong. I’d replay conversations, analyzing every awkward moment, every silence, every glance that might have meant something.
I was so used to tearing myself down that I didn’t even recognize it as cruelty. I thought I was just being realistic. If I wasn’t hard on myself, who would be?
But looking back, I can see it clearly: I wasn’t being realistic. I was being relentless. I wasn’t just not kind to myself. I was downright cruel. And the worst part? I thought I deserved it.
I wish I could say I had some life-changing epiphany, that I read a book, heard a podcast, or stumbled upon some piece of wisdom that snapped me out of it. But that’s not what happened. The change wasn’t a single moment. It was a slow, almost unnoticeable process, one that started with something entirely unrelated—my health.
The Unexpected Path to Change
When I found out I couldn’t eat gluten or dairy, I had no choice but to change my habits. At first, it was frustrating, but then I started losing weight, and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t completely hate my reflection. I felt physically better, which made me feel slightly better about myself. That tiny shift opened the door for something bigger.
From there, I started dipping into emotional healing. Shadow work, meditation, self-reflection—things I never would have considered before. (We’ll talk more about those in another post.) Then my sister, Codi, began her own health journey, and through her, I learned even more about taking care of my body in ways that had nothing to do with appearance. That’s when something finally clicked.
I was no longer just trying to look better—I was trying to feel better. I was learning to take care of myself, not out of self-hatred, but out of self-respect. And somewhere along the way, without even realizing it at first, my perspective on others started shifting, too.
Wow. That was a lot.
Sorry, I know, we keep getting so serious, but that’s what I’m here for. Let’s pause and enjoy this throwback of Codi and I.
It turns out, the way we treat others is almost always a reflection of how we treat ourselves. When I was constantly criticizing myself, it felt natural to judge others just as harshly. But as I started softening my inner voice, offering myself more patience, more grace, I found that I was doing the same for the people around me. I wasn’t so quick to pick people apart. I wasn’t as eager to join in on gossip. The instinct to judge was still there sometimes, but it didn’t feel as satisfying anymore.
I wish I could say I never fall into old patterns anymore, but that wouldn’t be true. I still catch myself making snap judgments. I still feel that familiar itch to critique someone, to roll my eyes at a choice they made, to assume I know their whole story from the outside. Sometimes, I even let those thoughts linger a little too long before I catch myself.
But now, I do catch myself. And instead of letting those thoughts go unchecked, I pause. I ask myself: What if I’m wrong? What if there’s more to their story than I can see? What if they’re just doing the best they can—just like I am?
Some days, I make that shift easily. Other days, I don’t. But I remind myself that change isn’t about perfection—it’s about awareness and trying to be just a little better than I was yesterday.
A Small Challenge for You
Try paying attention to your thoughts today. Just observe them. When you catch yourself judging someone—whether it’s a stranger, a friend, or even yourself—pause for a second. Ask yourself:
“What if I assumed the best instead of the worst?”
“How would I feel if someone thought this about me?”
“What if I gave them (or myself) a little more grace?”
It’s a small shift. But like I keep saying here, small shifts are where real change begins. And if you struggle with it, know that you’re not alone—I’m still working on this too, and we’re figuring it out together.
If this is something you’ve already been working on, I’d love to hear what’s helped you. What changes have made the biggest difference? Drop your tips in the comments so we can all learn from each other!
With love & light,
Jessica ♡
Unraveling the Self 
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